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How do you influence yourself?

October 10, 2008 – 11:55 am

This one is written from John Kenworthy and is published with permission by:
Copyright © 2008 GainMore Advantage

When we ask this question in our workshops, we are usually met with blank stares at first. I call them ‘blank stares’ because to be looked at as if you are completely off your trolley isn’t something I choose to reinforce.

The first response from that first brave soul suggests that there is no need to influence oneself. Basically, it runs like this:

I decide to do something, I tell myself to do it, and I do it. No influence is required. I don’t have to ask myself nicely, or threaten myself with unpleasant consequences, or persuade myself that it will be worthwhile.

Really? If we could slow down the thought processes going on, you might think differently.

Let’s take a slightly different approach. I suspect that you have, inside you, at least two ‘voices’ - the pro voice and the con voice. The optimist and the pessimist. The good and the bad. You may have more, you may not consider them as ‘voices’ - that’s OK, I hope that you can work with me on the concept for a little while.

Let’s say that this is two radio stations, 55.5 and 66.6. The first station on 55.5 is supportive - bolstering your ego, always proud of you and your achievements. The second, on 66.6 is the doubter, always casting doubts in your mind, running you down, always suggesting that others are trying to get you, that you should not listen to 55.5, it always lets you down - you never realise the dreams that 55.5 suggests. 66.6 reminds you of the difficulties you had the last time you tried to do this or that. How nothing ever works for you, that it’s all about luck and fate and chance and that you just are not a lucky person. If you buy a lottery ticket, you will always miss by one number at best. That nobody else deserves to win anything either. Basically, this is a bad voice.

I can see some of you nodding your heads as you read this. Don’t worry, you’re not schizophrenic - this is normal, everyone has this going on. Some days it’s like a continuous debate, others, one or both are quiet with little to say. You know you have a problem when you cannot distinguish between the voices and which of you is real.

So, which station do you tune into?

Here’s the two stations output for a few common golfing scenarios…

66.6

Approaching the first Tee on competition day: ‘Well, it’s a lovely morning with plenty of gusty breezes to knock your ball off centre, and a touch of rain in the air, but very unpredictable whether it’ll rain now or later. You did some good practice yesterday but you know it’ll all go to pieces today don’t you? You know that you always screw up on the first drive and there’s no mulligans today. See your competition today, wow, that first group were good weren’t they. No chance you’ll keep up with them is there. Still, perhaps you can just enjoy the game for a change and not worry about winning or losing - after all you know you’ll lose, so why get your hopes up? Ridiculous game, I don’t know why you bother, should have stayed home and cut the grass. be more useful than out here, being mocked by your friends… oh no, talking of which, there they are, why do they have to come and watch my first drive. They’ll cough or chatter just as I’m lining up, I know they will. Oh well, my turn now, what a disaster, prepare for the worst and don’t get angry…

First Tee shot: So nicely lined up, but then anyone can put a ball on a tee can’t they. Now settle down, breath, how’s the grip - that instructor why did he have to change my grip, it won’t work. Right align my feet, look up, look down, those people down there, are in my line, why do they have to stand there, don’t they know they could be hit… calm yourself, that’s right, may as well get calm now, because once you hit it there won’;t be any calm left, And if you screw up this drive, it’ll all be downhill for the whole day. never recover, so get this right. Wiggle the bum, yes nice, settle, legs bent just right, what if my weight shifts before I strike then hit those people standing there. i wouldn’t mind hitting that smug bastard - he’s such a flash git. Custom clubs, custom balls, bet he cheats, never puts a foot wrong, wipe that smug grin off his face, I’ll show ‘im. Back swing, nice, but is it right, no of course not, arm down, elbow’s bent at the wrong time, as usual, THWACK….. follow-through may as well let go of the club, it’ll go further anyway.

In spite of this, by some divine intervention, the ball soars through the air and lands smack down the middle of the fairway, 220 yards at least beautifully set up for a second onto the green and a possible birdie: Whoa - didn’t know you had it in you. Nice shot, so lucky, you’d never do that again, not in a month of Sundays.

Still, plenty of time to screw up yet…

ENOUGH! Sorry, I just can’t write anymore of this - it’s just too depressing. Is this you? And, were you the one who said that they didn’t influence themselves?

55.5 on the same situation…

What a beautiful day, a few gusts, possible rain in the air. Be a good idea to look at the trees as we walk down the course, see where the gusts are going. if it rains, we’ll change clubs and, quick, borrow an umbrella from Jim there, he can pop back and get another from his car. So nice that my friends are here to cheer me on. Great guys. Now I’m going to show them a great drive. I can see it now, smack down the middle of the fairway, perfect for a chip up to the green and a birdie. I can’t wait to pick up that trophy at the end of the day. Good to have some strong competition - nothing better than a real challenge.

First Tee shot: Breath nice and deep, slow my heartbeat and see that drive. A little gusty from left to right over those trees, just align a fraction to the left because this ball’s going to soar above that line. Glove, into the zone. Complete focus, nice alignment, well done, now a beauty practice swing, nice and loose in the shoulders. Firm stance, good lad, check alignment, now trust your swing. THWACK.

In spite of this, by some divine intervention, the ball soars through the air and too far to the left, way over to the left and lands smack down into the rough by the trees, maybe even really in the trees: Beautiful drive, well done, aligned just a little too far left, so we’ll make sure to fix that. I think maybe the wind dropped as well. Nice lay-up for the second shot - I can use that chip techniques I learned from watching Seve on TV, good for a par if I’m really in the rough, and good for a birdie if it’s not too long. Good, well done.

Now, which station do you want to listen to? The one that derides you no matter how great you are, or the one that supports you and encourages you no matter how poor the shot?

“I don’t care” says someone, so long as I hit great shots I’ll put up with either. Fair enough. Which one do you think will help you enjoy your game? Which one will help you towards a stroke lying ill in bed feeling miserable and no-one coming to visit because you don’t even like yourself, let alone anyone else?

Extreme? Sadly no. Go find the most miserable-faced player in your local club and ask them which station they tune into…

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William Saroyan on Failure

September 10, 2008 – 6:33 pm

Good people are good because they’ve come to wisdom through failure.
– William Saroyan

Today’s Famous Failure Quote and Fred’s not so Famous Failure Quote

By now, I must be Nelson Freaking Mandela! – Fred.

By fredscrangle | Posted in Failure, quote | Tagged | Comments (0)

February Was Fabulous–NOT!

September 9, 2008 – 3:13 pm

January rolled on, and turned into February. I was waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Waiting for a call on the consulting job I had done in December — Just as December ended, we had ran into a bug from the New York software house: much of the data was not getting written into the database, and my job, essentially, was to extract that data and format it.  I was waiting for a call to say that the software  had been revised and the project could proceed.  So I waited for more work.

And I waited for payment for the hours that I had worked.  It amounted to a sizable sum: enough for a couple of months rent.  

A fool ignores the oncoming tide

A fool ignores the oncoming tide

And so when february began, I waited for work and for payment.  So I called.  and called.  And got no answer:  empty air.  And I waited for my sweet and lovely to call.  One day in January, we talked and she had been in a Trader Joe’s and asked what I had needed in the way of TJ’s giant chocolate bars.   You see we have no Trader Joe’s outlets here: it is a mark of the civilized world that has passed right by this town.

But that was the last I had heard from her.  So I called.  And got: empty air.  Was she caving?  Remember that John Gray of Mars and Venus says that caving is a required phase of relationships:   Best to let time pass.  And time did pass.  And Pass.  And my emotional uncertainty rose, and rose.

But I was rather busy, though, with my classes.  Oh, yes, did I forget to tell you?  I have wanted to change careers for quite some time now.  My technical skills, although pretty good, and very very broad, are not as up to date as they should be:  I really have trouble finding jobs as a systems programmer.  In fact, as an applications programmer, it is hard to find work:  In fact, on-line I find a ton of competent guys who will work remotely for as little as eight dollars an hour.   Let me  repeat that $8.00 per hour.  I’ll say it again: $8.00/hour! I can work every day of the week at $8 and I would not be able to cover the rent in my high-rise, rent subsidized, chinatown apartment. Hey, I like chinatown.  It’s busy even on days when the rest of the town is dead.  The point here, is that even with one of the most affordable places in the city, I can not compete with the outsource brigade.

Oh, yes.  Don’t wander, get back to the classes.  Duh!  I’m taking classes to get a master’s degree in clinical psychology at a local diploma mill.  Not a fancy degree, just a workman-like, honest, counselor position.  School sounds pretty good: I get to learn something new, I get to move forward with my degree, work a few hours a week in the college library, and collect a student loan check every so often.  It helps.  I’m also in what is called a “practicum.”  It’s like an internship.  I’m going to the local prison three days a week to work with a group of problem people.  Actually, they are the kind of inmate that society currently fears most.  I am really enjoying learning about the reality of these prisoners.

And I am enjoying learning about how society’s ideas about them are, well, misplaced — but enough about that: I’m not here to challenge society’s notions, you know, I’m just telling my story.

Now that is how February mostly goes.  Waiting.  Studying.

But then comes the Valentine’s day massacre.  But that will be another blog entry…

By fredscrangle | Posted in Love, Work | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (0)

Shaw on Mistakes

September 9, 2008 – 12:32 pm

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw

Today’s Famous Failure Quote and Fred’s not so Famous Failure Quote

If I am doing nothing but mistakes, am I less useful or more honorable?   — Fred.

By fredscrangle | Posted in quote | Tagged | Comments (0)

January: The Mother of All Failure

September 7, 2008 – 12:54 pm

Take another one on the chin, buddy.

Take another one on the chin, buddy.

The first half of 2008 has been a real butt-kicker. I’m not complaining mind you, this isn’t a pity party for me, or anyone else:  It is just is a fact that failure goes with life.  It is a bit harder to enjoy than success, but there it is.

I could start with January.  I think I will.  December had been about as good as I can remember in a long time.  Cheery company.  A full house. A good paying contract job.  Friends and lover here to have a good time.

But that all changed with the new year.  January came: everyone went back to their home town. My fabulous lady, who was becoming tired of her professional life on jet planes traveling from place to place, decided that she needed to get her own house in order and finally moved into that house she had been left when her mom passed.  She had been toying with the idea of renting it out, or moving in.  She chose moving in.

And fell in love with her house.  Now living in my town is pretty expensive: it is one of the top travel destinations in the world.  There was no way to buy a place here.  So, I could understand her decision to stay in the pacific northwest, even with the abundance of cloudy, rainy weather and small town attitudes.  When she was not flying, she could dig in and have her own home, yard, and that occasional deer snoozing in the back yard.

Mostly, though, she stopped calling.  Stopped answering the phone.  Not fun.  Now here me good:  I do not own this woman, nor feel she owes me a thing.  We had great times, and a fabulous connection.  I have no regrets on that number, and I do not think she does either.  I have the best regard for her and wish her to enjoy life with total abandon.  Abandoning me, just was not the kind of abandon I had in mind…

And, Oh yes, that great contracting job? Well it was a problem for the manager when I pointed out that the very expensive database she thought her team was using had no data in it: she had the name of it wrong, and it seems some other pretty fundamental information. It took a flurry of conference calls for her to get back on the right track. And only then did she find out that a major part of the data was going down the bit-bucket. Her boss was wondering why her project was over budget and way past her deadlines. That whole effort got cancelled just after Christmas - maybe it is why red is so, well ‘Christmassy’. It took three months for them to pay. They may think that I had something to do with the bugs from the New York vender. Even now, months later, the company is still trying to mop up after that disaster. But, had I kept quiet? Maybe I could have milked that cash cow for a month or two more…. Who knows? Still, no gig, no cash. no how!

The failure quote: “January: The Mother of All Failure”
The failure quote: “Failure goes with a well lived life. It’s just harder to enjoy than success.”

That was January.  It got worse.  Lots worse.

By fredscrangle | Posted in Love | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (0)